Martha Ruske, MFT
Recovery Life Coaching
INTENTIONAL PATH
"Helping people in long-term recovery step out
into the fuller life they deserve"
October 17, 2005
In This Issue:
- Letting go of expectations
- Thursday Step-Out
- Lead Article---Authenticity in Action
- Distorted Thinking E-course
- New on the Website
1. Letting Go of Expectations
I’ve had a frustrating time trying to get this issue out to you. I’ve set a semi-monthly schedule for my newsletter, and this one was supposed to go out at the end of September.
Every time I would sit down to post it, I would end up not being able to connect to my site. At first I passed it off as a temporary glitch, but after awhile I realized that it was more than that. I’ve figured out the problem, but in the meantime I got a lesson in acceptance and letting go. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you intend them to…
2. FREE Thursday Step-Out
Did you miss the last Step-Out?
Here’s what one client has to say about her experience:
“Thanks a million! It feels great! It would definitely have not happened this week without the Step Out structure and your coaching support. Thanks for being on my team and reminding me to just do it and not think about it and get stuck on all the stuff that came up around it and spend all my energy "processing it". Just do it and it's done. Looking forward to October's Step Out and what will be on my list then.”
Sometimes we let a backlog of unfinished business hold us back from taking action on other things. Would you like a tried and true method to release one or more of the items on your “things to do” list? A method that is FREE? Go here to read about, and sign up for, the next FREE THURSDAY STEP OUT on October 20,
3. Lead Article – Authenticity in Action
The other day I was sitting with a group of people at an informal picnic. As I chatted with the man next to me, our attention was drawn to a woman a few tables away who was telling a story. “Look how animated her face is!” the man commented. And, indeed, her facial expressions reflected her total involvement in what she was describing. It was impossible not to be drawn in, too, and I smiled because it was enjoyable just to watch her.
I thought about my relationship with this particular woman. I don’t know her well, but over the last week I had gotten to know her better because we were involved in the same volunteer work. In the past I had been put off at times by what I saw as an “in your face” style. She was often the center of activity and I had that feeling that I used to have in high school watching the “popular” kids. Perhaps I was feeling envious.
But I’ve been out of high school for a long time, and realized that she doesn’t have the characteristics of self-centered high school girls. She isn’t cruel, or dismissive. She is comfortable being a leader and directing things, but she is also empathic and able to relate to people one-on-one, putting them at ease and helping them feel included.
I realized I was seeing authenticity in action, someone who is very true to who she is and who doesn’t alter her behavior to suit others. In her case, she is extroverted and outgoing and draws people to her like a magnet.
Wouldn’t we all like to be that authentic? Why are we afraid to let ourselves be seen like that? Here’s what I observed about her.
Characteristics of an authentic person:
- She expresses herself spontaneously, i.e. She doesn’t unduly censor her thoughts and wait 5 minutes to say something (long after the opportunity has passed!)
- She isn’t afraid or hesitant to address people she doesn’t know.
- She is friendly and drawn to others.
- She is curious about people and asks questions.
- She looks people in the eye when she speaks to them.
- She doesn’t hold back; when she needs to say something, she says it.
- She is present – you get the sense that she is right there with you, not preoccupied or distracted.
- She goes out of her way to help others.
- If she has an inkling that she had gone too far, she checks in with others to verify that, and makes amends if necessary.
You might have other characteristics that you would put on this list. To be authentic, you don’t have to be exactly like this person, i.e. you don’t have to turn yourself into an extrovert or be the life of the party. But you do need to tune in, be true to yourself, and be willing to express yourself.
How do you do that? People in recovery often come from families with addictions, and as such we have modified our behaviors in particular ways. We are used to reining ourselves in, scanning the environment to see how we’re coming across, ready to tone ourselves down when necessary. We don’t like people to be angry with us, or to not like us. We’d like to please everyone, if it were humanly possible.
The advice that a psychiatrist gave me, in a recovery group for ACAs, was to err on the side of being uncomfortable. In other words, my sense of what I could say and what I couldn’t was so flawed that he encouraged me just to speak out—and even with that I probably wouldn’t be as outspoken as the “normal” person!
If we just start by stepping out more, taking a chance by saying something, tolerating the discomfort we might feel by being more visible, then over time we can learn to hone our new skills.
And the odd thing is, when we show who we truly are – warts and all – without hiding important parts of ourselves, we tend to attract other people to us. Authenticity has a way of engaging others, rather than being off-putting.
I’ll be offering a 4-week workshop – by telephone – to help support people who want to step out and become more visible. Stay tuned for more in future emails.
4. Distorted Thinking E-course
The “Correct Your Distorted Thinking” e-course is just about ready to go, but is still undergoing a few revisions.
I’ll send out a special email just as soon as it’s available. Learn more about it here. This course is free to you, as long as you’re willing to give me some feedback as to what you found helpful, and not so helpful.
5. New on the Website
The newest link is Daily Inventory, a self-help website where you can choose between 5 daily inventories and fill them out online. Then email your inventory to someone, or “let it go” to the universe. Take a look here:
About this e-zine
Copyright by Martha Ruske, MFT
Intentional Path is published semi-monthly for people in long-term recovery who want to step out into the fuller life they deserve.
This newsletter can be freely distributed or forwarded to others without special permission provided it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given.
Also, you may use my articles in your own e-zine or website. Please credit any excerpts to Martha Ruske, MFT and the “Intentional Path” website at www.intentionalpath.com.