Martha Ruske, MFT
Recovery Life Coaching

INTENTIONAL PATH

A semi-monthly newsletter for people in long-term recovery who want to step out into the fuller life they deserve.

From Martha Ruske, MFT
August 23, 2005 issue

Word count for this issue:   1,099 (26 paragraphs)
Approximate time to read:  about 4 minutes

**What’s the FREE Thursday Step-Out?  How can it help you implement the changes you want to make?  Find out more below.**

THE ART OF CHANGE II

In the last newsletter I talked about the stages of change.  (Go here to read it: http://tinyurl.com/7tt6r).  My hope was that you would be able to treat yourself with more compassion if you’re finding it hard to proceed with something you want to do.  

I want to talk more about the “contemplation” stage - that stage where you know you have a problem, you struggle to understand it, but you don’t have a clue as to how you’ll solve it.  And you’re not sure you really want to exert the effort needed to make the change.

This doesn’t have to be confined to a problem, or a habit you want to break.  It can also be about starting something new, something that could be enjoyable for you and offer rewards – e.g. going back to school to change careers, learning to play the piano, offering a new product line in your business.  Something that requires you to step out of your usual way of being.

I faced this when I thought about starting a business in recovery life coaching.  I had the idea because this is what I was looking for myself and couldn’t find.  But was this a valid business idea?  Did people really need my help?  Would this work?  Could I stand being more visible by having a website and putting myself out there?  I went round and round trying to research it and think it through.  Weeks would go by and I’d realize that I was no closer to my goal, despite consuming a lot of coffee.  I felt frozen in place. 

That “frozen in place” feeling is the result of ambivalence – my desire to change, to try something different, existed simultaneously with an unwitting resistance to it.  By postponing action I was keeping my anxiety at bay.

This can be a familiar place for people with addictions.  Alcoholism has been described as “ritualized stuckness,” where chronic contemplation goes amok.  You can substitute thinking for acting, and tell yourself that you will act someday.  Just because we’re free of addiction doesn’t mean that we’re able to take the action steps we need to take.

Here are some of the traps:

  1. The search for absolute certainty – you explore every aspect of an issue to determine its origin.  You hope that the problem will go away if you find enough pieces to the puzzle.  But you get bogged down.  The reality is that you may never know the cause of certain problems, and generally a problem has many factors contributing to it.  If it’s a case of starting something new, you get caught in needing to learn more – you’re not quite good enough, not quite knowledgeable enough, to start.
  2. Waiting for the magic moment – you talk about your problem until all your friends get sick hearing about it.  You find excuses to delay action.  You believe, somehow, that there will be a magic moment that is perfect for change, a right time.  Serious consequences to not changing still seem too distant or too long-term to matter.
  3. Wishful thinking – This is a big one.  You want to have your cake and eat it too.  You want to go on living as you have, but with different consequences.  It’s easier to wish for change than to work toward it.  “I wish I could eat what I want and not gain weight.”
  4. Premature action – someone is nagging you to change, so to get them off your back you agree to do so.  Then you fail.  You made a half-hearted attempt to change, and then fail, by either conscious, or unconscious, design.  This way you can make the other person wrong and you are off the hook.

Does any of this sound familiar?  How do you move forward?  How did I move forward?  Look at some of the suggestions below.

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Announcing the first Thursday Step-Out.  It’s FREE!

Sometimes we let a backlog of unfinished business hold us back from taking real action on bigger things.  The unfinished business, in itself, may not be important, but it has the power to increase our anxiety and add to the feeling of being mired.

Do you have tasks to do that have been hanging over your head, and avoiding them is depleting your energy?  Have you been struggling with this stuff by yourself, and maybe even hiding it from others? Things like getting your tax information together, cleaning a closet, clearing the junk mail off your dining room table, writing letters you have neglected…

Stepping out into a fuller life means eliminating these artificial barriers to your success.  I’ve found a way for you to get these things done with the support of others who are doing their challenging tasks at the same time.  IT WORKS, IT’S FUN, AND IT’S FREE! 

The next Thursday Step-Out is coming up on September 22.  Go here to read more about it and sign up:
http://www.intentionalpath.com/ThursdayStep-Out.htm

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Call to Action:

When you hold back, you deprive the world of your talents. When you are unable to move to the next step, you deprive yourself of a more enjoyable life.  I finally hired a business coach and it made the difference between me thinking about offering recovery life coaching, and actually offering the service and helping people. If you’ve been sitting on something for 6 months or longer, try something different. 

  • Self-revaluation – look at your essential values and see if they’re in conflict with your problem behaviors.  You can focus on the negative side, i.e. how disgusted you are with your weight problem.  But a more compelling pull is a positive, forward-looking assessment.  How can you structure your life to be more aligned with your values?  For example, do you value a healthy body, and want to nourish it with good food and enjoyable exercise?
  • Look at a scenario in which you don’t change.  Pick a time 5 years from now.  See your health, or other aspects of your life, deteriorate further.  See the dream that you have never come to fruition.  Are you willing to accept this? Or will you regret it in 5 years when you look back and realize you missed an opportunity to start?
  • Hire your own coach.  You probably didn’t get sober all by yourself.  In recovery you learn that you need other people.  My coaching is designed to help you achieve your heart’s desires by giving you structured assistance and unwavering support.  You can move in big or little steps – it’s up to you - but you’ll know you are moving in the direction you want to go.  Get started here:
    http://www.intentionalpath.com/individual.htm

---------------------------------------------------------If you have friends or family in long-term recovery who could benefit from this newsletter, or the free 41-page "Befriending Yourself" workbook, please send them this link so they can sign up for their own complimentary copies:
http://www.intentionalpath.com/workbook.htm

You can contact me at: mailto:martha@intentionalpath.com

---------------------------------------------------------Copyright by Martha Ruske, MFT

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