Martha Ruske, MFT
Recovery Life Coaching
INTENTIONAL PATH
“Helping people in recovery step out into the fuller life they deserve.”
June 22, 2006
In This Issue:
- Recovery Coaches International debuts
- Lead Article--- How It Worked (For Me)
- Share your 2 cents
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1. Recovery Coaches International debuts
I’ve neglected my newsletters for the past few months and have instead been doing R&D with some other recovery coaches. When I started Intentional Path I knew of only one other person who was offering recovery coaching. Now there is a new association called Recovery Coaches International.
What is recovery coaching exactly? It’s another alternative for people who are concerned about their use of substances (or other addictive behavior) and want to evaluate what to do without being steered to a particular program or treatment center. It’s also for people already in recovery who want to maximize their success in staying clean and sober and want to rebuild their lives in a meaningful way (what I call recovery life coaching). It uses the specific techniques of coaching as distinct from psychotherapy techniques.
Check out the new site here:
http://www.recoverycoaching.org/
2. Lead Article: How It Worked (For Me)
March 2006 marked the 25th year of my sobriety. It’s hard to believe – I still remember vividly the night I decided that I needed help. I’ve been thinking about what worked for me because someone recently asked me what I’ve done to stay successfully clean and sober for a quarter century.
My first step was to call the night number at AA. Someone called me back and then arranged to meet me at a meeting. After I put down the phone I had a profound spiritual experience. It was difficult to talk about because this isn’t a normal topic of conversation in our society. Nevertheless, the experience changed me greatly and made me realize that there is a whole realm of which I was totally unaware. It also made me realize that physical changes and healing can happen in an instant – defying what we seem to know of the physical world.
I had called AA because it’s all I knew to do. (I knew about it because the talk in my family was that a Great Uncle of mine had attended meetings.) A few months later the Employee Assistance counselor at my work asked me why I didn’t call him. It didn’t even occur to me, just as it didn’t occur to me to contact a treatment program. In my mind, the stigma of AA was bad enough and I didn’t want anyone at work to know what was going on.
It turns out that AA was a good choice for me. I did 90 meetings in 90 days in San Francisco and felt very cared for, although some of the members were overbearing. The shock of what was happening to me was softened with so many meetings to keep me occupied. It was comforting to find others with the same problem, and to learn that there were definite things I could do to stay sober. Probably the most important concept I learned from AA was the concept of “letting go” – letting go of the illusion that I have to think everything out and control outcomes.
I left AA within the first year when my sponsor “fired” me. I think she felt I didn’t listen to her. I had been feeling depressed, and our dispute was whether I should get psychotherapy or not. She said if I just did the steps and listened to her that that was enough. Luckily my inner voice prevailed, and I went into individual therapy. (It’s hard to rely on your inner voice in early recovery because everything you used to trust is so skewed, and you probably aren’t used to hearing your voice within very clearly anyway.) That was another really good move for me because I began to explore my past and the relationships in my family. I believe that most people who have addiction issues can benefit from psychotherapy at some point in their recovery.
I had left the program in the middle of my 4th step, although I have since done the steps in my own fashion. I really admire the 12 Steps – the more I read in philosophy, spirituality and religion, the more I see the wisdom of Bill Wilson and what he incorporated into those steps. I know that the Steps have their critics, but sometimes I think the critics misinterpret them.
Also within the first year I quit my job and went back to school to become a therapist – something I had already started when I was younger but never fully pursued. I specialized in addiction studies and learned a lot about substance abuse, treatment, and family systems. School was challenging for me emotionally and I think, looking back, that I was less ready than I believed I was. I notice in others, too, that there is often a strong desire to move ahead in life, and perhaps to work in the recovery field, but there is still a lot of healing to do at this stage.
One of the hardest areas for me has been self-care. I did stop smoking within 30 days of stopping alcohol but I started consuming more sweets and caffeine so weight has been an issue for me. It seems that I was always reading a lot about nutrition and wellness, but had trouble applying the information in any consistent way to myself. Many people without addictions in their past also have trouble with self-care, but I think with dependency that we have a more distant relationship with our bodies. I’ve done different things throughout the years – yoga, strength training, aerobics, acupuncture. The best things recently have been Network Spinal Analysis and adapting an alkaline food program.
Although I never returned to 12-step, I always thought of myself as “alcoholic” and “in recovery.” (I’ve been rethinking those labels and will bring them up in a future newsletter.) That had been such a key teaching in my 12-step experience. But I never dwelled on it. It was clear to me that taking a drink was not an option. Yes, I may be one drink away from relapse, just as any other previously addicted person is, but I am a long way from the first drink. Powerless over alcohol - once it is ingested into my system - but not powerless over the decision to take a first drink or not. Building up my life skills and inner resources has put distance between me and a first drink.
Looking back, I’m proud of a lot that I have done. But there were a lot of starts and stops along the way. Times that I gave up. Times that I questioned my abilities. Times where my self-esteem was low and it seemed like I was never going to be where I wanted to be, despite maintaining a “good appearance.” I did benefit from therapy. But what I never had was someone to help me define what it is I wanted to do, to keep me focused, on task, alert to self-defeating beliefs and behaviors. Someone who was helping me reach beyond what I thought I could do, to help me articulate my desires and make them come to fruition. I think if I’d had a coach I would have been able to accomplish more, faster, and with a lot less angst.
That’s why I have a coach now. It’s sort of the “wellness” equivalent of a sponsor. Yes, I have to pay, but it feels like a grown-up, “taking responsibility for my own life” step.
So what helped me the most?
- Spiritual transformation
- Gaining an understanding of addiction and treatment and family systems
- Psychotherapy (for looking into past issues and family dynamics)
- Going back and accomplishing the things I had intended to do, and trying new things
- Coaching to help me overcome my self-imposed obstacles
- Body work and physical healing
3. Share your 2 cents – How Has It Worked for You?
How has your voyage in recovery been so far? What has worked for you? Are there things you would change? Things you’re proud of? Is there one thing in particular you’d like to share with others?
I’d like to hear from you because your experiences can help inform others. This is, after all, a newsletter for people who have some recovery and many of you are following different paths. If I get enough response I’ll do a 2nd newsletter this month with your comments. Just send an email (click here) and put “2 cents” in the subject line. I’ll just identify you by first initial and where you’re from.
About this e-zine
Copyright by Martha Ruske, MFT
Intentional Path is published semi-monthly for people in recovery who want to step out into the fuller life they deserve.
This newsletter can be freely distributed or forwarded to others without special permission provided it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given.
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www.intentionalpath.com.