Martha Ruske, MFT
Recovery Life Coaching
INTENTIONAL PATH
A semi-monthly newsletter for people in long-term recovery who want to step out into the fuller life they deserve.
From Martha Ruske, MFT
May 5, 2005 issue
Word count for this issue: 1,668 (44 paragraphs)
Approximate time to read: about 7 minutes
UNDERCONTROL
"Control" is a common topic in recovery circles:
For the person with an active alcohol problem, there's the illusion that you have control over your drinking by limiting what you drink, where you drink it, when you drink it, who you drink it with…the possibilities are endless!
If you have had addicted people in your life, you are probably familiar with trying to control their behavior by nagging them to stop their addiction, or by limiting their access to a substance. We often say "You're being a co!" to alert someone to their overbearing tendencies.
Control issues come up in areas beyond addiction. There are those people who try to control every aspect of a situation – including the people around them – and feel a sense of personal failure when someone close to them fails. I find I bump up against this with my son's homework. It's a challenge for me to set the stage for him to do his work effectively while not taking responsibility for him getting it done, or feeling personally let down if he gets a bad grade.
You can see control issues in society in general. My favorite example of a mass attempt at control is "time management." "If I could just get organized" is a common lament, as though that would solve everything.
So control fallacies exist for all of us. In cognitive therapy, overcontrol is a type of distorted thinking that gives one a false sense of omnipotence. When you are unsuccessful at controlling whatever it is you are attempting to exert control over, you may experience anger, resentment, and a sense of personal failure that eats at your self-esteem.
People in recovery are pretty good at spotting when they – or others – have stepped over the line into believing that they can control what they can't. Better than the general public, actually, many of whom have never had a compelling reason to challenge it.
But there's another type of distorted thinking which has a big, negative effective on your self-esteem: undercontrol. Not "under control," as in "I've got things under control," but undercontrol, the erroneous idea that you have little or no influence in the world, that the outcome of most events is out of your hands. A sense of undercontrol takes power from you and puts you out on the fringes of many situations – always on the outside, looking in.
Undercontrol is a variation on the victim mentality. Many people would be able to identify "extreme" victim behavior, such as recognizing when a friend has gotten into a battering relationship and needs help to get out, but undercontrol is much more subtle. It’s hard to recognize because it feels so right, and seems to support your desire to let things flow and not get overly attached to outcomes, or get bent out of shape when things don't go your way.
The Serenity Prayer says: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes we haven't developed the wisdom to know the difference. We are so quick to give up our power, because of the desire to stay in a state of surrender or connection, that we forget our Higher Power granted us the ability to effect change, and to be co-creators in our existence.
Undercontrol is the abdication of the power you do have. It's the critical inner voice saying "You're weak. You're helpless. There's nothing you can do." Or it's the belief that you don't have the right to act; other people’s wants and needs seem more legitimate and pressing. This state of affairs may have existed before your drinking got out of hand, and the drinking masked it.
How is undercontrol playing out in your life right now? Here are some examples to illustrate:
- You think you’re overdue for a raise, but you know that the budget at work is tight and there are other people who deserve raises too, so you just drop the idea.
- Your friend takes you up on your offer to baby-sit, and chooses a day when you already had plans. What you had planned wasn’t too important, you decide, so you cancel those plans and sit for the baby.
- You’d like to go to the gym 3 nights per week but it might take too much time away from the family. And besides, going to the gym is not a necessity.
- You don’t vote because it won’t make a difference.
- You hate your job but there's nothing you can do about it. You just need to grit your teeth for the next 13 ½ years until retirement.
- You would have liked to have gone to law school, but you’re 26 now and have a child, so there's probably no way to manage it.
- Your self-care has slipped and you’ve gained weight. No matter what you do nothing works. It’s probably impossible to lose it now.
- You and your co-worker need to divide up a task. She takes the part you wanted, but you don’t say anything because you assume she must have some compelling reason for choosing what she did.
- You have an idea for making a change at your child’s school but you don’t offer the idea because you figure someone else has already thought of it and rejected it for some reason.
What does undercontrol cost you?
Believing that you have little or no effect in the world undermines your self-esteem. You may be experiencing feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, resentment, or depression. These feelings can be subtle so you might not be consciously aware of the causes.
You might be settling for less, undermining your own best efforts, being passive when you don't mean to be, or feeling unworthy and that you’re not doing all that you are capable of doing. If you never deal with undercontrol it could even undermine your sobriety. (What's the use of staying sober?)
What do you think would be different if you had an accurate sense of your own ability to influence your world? Here are some ideas:
- You'd have improved relationships with other people. They'd be clear about what you want and where you stand.
- You'd have some really productive discussions with others. Instead of just settling for the status quo, you could engage in give-and-take and craft a win-win situation for each of you.
- You might really enjoy asking for what you want, and other people might really enjoy seeing that you get it.
- You could take your rightful place in the world. You have your own unique gifts to offer, and if you don't access them, or allow others to have access, they go wasted.
- You might be moved to act on something that would make a difference to people in your community, the country, or the world.
- You could feel like you were creating your life instead of reacting to other people and events.
- You'd have a feeling of inner strength and vitality that comes from actively engaging in the world while using all of your resources.
Not bad, huh?
How can you get there?
As you read through some of the undercontrol examples above, you might have been tempted to say “I just need to be more assertive!” But that’s another “should” from your inner critic. Yes, you could be more assertive, but it’s more helpful first to look at what’s going on inside that is stopping you from being that way.
- Accurate self-assessment
If you are carrying around an outdated view of yourself that includes ideas of being damaged because of your alcoholism, or not as good or deserving as other people, then it will be hard for you to step up for yourself. It's critical to update your self-description so that you aren't filtering out your strengths and magnifying your weaknesses. (This is one of the things I like to help people with when I work with them one-on-one, sort of a “beyond the 4th step” description.)
- Actively rebut the inner critic
Because control fallacies are cognitive distortions, your critical inner voice is highly active. You'll hear: “It won’t matter anyway;” “Somebody should do something;” or "I can't do anything about it.” It's helpful to put these thoughts down in writing so that you can see patterns as the same statements repeat. You can also write down statements to use to rebut the inner critic.
- Look at the desires you are discounting or downgrading
This gets into the area of being ably to identify and then ask for what you want (which I think I'll make the topic of another newsletter.) Surrendering to what you can't control is one thing; surrendering your own important emotional, social, intellectual, or spiritual needs is being a martyr to your low self-esteem. See if you can notice, the next time you’re feeling kind of down, or resentful, if you recently dismissed as unimportant something you wanted, or planned to do.
- Effectively engage and connect with others as an equal partner
You are no better, and no less, than anyone else. Only you can judge the relative strength of your needs and wants. If something you want feels important to you, than it is important and you have a right to ask for it. Does this make you uncomfortable? Sometimes it’s easier for us to remain unaware of what we want because we don't want to be called on to act and maybe bump up against the conflicting desires of someone else.
- Ask for guidance
Go beyond the 3rd Step of “turning it over” by remembering the 11th Step: "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." This is a call to action. It's an acknowledgement that we're supposed to do the footwork, with guidance. We aren't passive vessels but people with the ability to act and effect change.
Call to Action:
If you want to read more about undercontrol, or some of the other cognitive distortions we humans use, take a look at Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. Here are some links to paste into your browser to see a description of the book:
http://www.intentionalpath.com/bookstore.htm
Sometimes the action you need to take is requesting help to get started on a new path. If you think you need support, drop me a line at martha@intentionalpath.com
If you have friends or family in long-term recovery who could benefit from this newsletter, or the free 41-page "Befriending Yourself" workbook, please send them this link so they can sign up for their own complimentary copies:
http://www.intentionalpath.com/workbook.htm
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Copyright by Martha Ruske, MFT
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