Martha Ruske, MFT
Recovery Life Coaching
How it Works
The process of recovery is different for everyone. There is no one “right” way to do it. As your sobriety lengthens, you may find yourself doing things differently from other people, and sometimes being judged by others.
Make no mistake – we are talking about a serious disorder with serious consequences. We all probably know people who have been sober for a period of time, and then went back to drinking and are no longer among the living. But that doesn’t mean that recovery has to be a time of fear of sinking back into old patterns.
This is what I have observed to be true in long-term recovery:
- People with addictions have been hard on their bodies and have had a self-destructive relationship with themselves. When you go into recovery it’s usually not based on a rational decision to start being good to yourself. It's really because you just can’t take it anymore. Sometimes people manage to stay abstinent precisely by staying detached from their body and its cues. This poor relationship can be corrected, but you have to stay on top of it. It’s like a predisposition – the body as enemy – and you’ll slip into poor self-care or no self-care when you’re stressed.
You need to get your heart ready to do what is best for you. People who are successful in long-term recovery work to build their self-esteem, and have deep compassion and love for themselves. That’s why my workbook, Befriending Yourself, is the first thing I offer to people. Click here (to open a new window) and get it now. - Growth is optional. There’s a quote I like from Gregory L. Jantz: “Life on Earth means there will be change. Growth is optional.” If you do your recovery just one way, without adjustment, you’re likely to get stalled. I liken it to a sailboat that uses the technique of “tacking”: adjusting the sail and zigzagging to move forward across a headwind rather than traveling directly into the wind. People who are successful in the long-term are determined to move forward and grow and are open to new teachers and new ways of doing things along the way.
- Working on yourself and your personal growth takes some time and commitment. “I don’t have time” is really the same as saying it’s not important enough to make it a priority. This goes back to what we said before – that you need to have your heart in the right place and be willing to take your needs seriously. People who are successful in the long-term are willing to make growth a priority.
- Some people heartily embrace the idea of a Higher Power or God when they get into 12-step groups, and others search out a secular path, feeling that a reliance on a higher power takes away from individual responsibility. Deepak Chopra writes about the addict as seeker – seeking a transcendent experience, but in the wrong places. From what I have observed, people who are happiest in the long-term are willing to examine their spiritual side.
- Many people in recovery came from families where there was addiction. You may have suffered through a lot in your childhood and have aspects of codependency as well as dependency. Psychotherapy can help you to identify patterns and to heal emotional scars. There can be a tendency to hold on to the damage, to think of yourself as “damaged goods", and to think there is only so much you can do.
But remember, all families have shadows and imperfections. You have endured trauma, but you are still alive. You were self-destructive with your drinking, but you are now sober. You have changed. People who are successful in the long-term have found that they can give up the need to punish themselves. They have learned to use their backgrounds and their recovery as a source of strength, not weakness. - In early recovery, the main focus is on yourself and what you need to do to abstain from alcohol. As time goes by, your life needs to expand. You may have regrets about the time you wasted when you were drinking, about chances lost and roads not taken. You might now be reluctant to examine your dreams and your purpose in life for fear of relapse. After all, feeling too good about things can be as scary as feeling bad. People who are successful in the long-term realize that they have been given a reprieve and now want to live their life as fully as they can. They have learned to embrace positive feelings.
How do you increase your chances of being one of those people who are successful in recovery and beyond? As a first step, download the Befriending Yourself workbook, bundled with the Intentional Path free newsletter subscription.
Browse through the site and the Free Resources section, and if you are feeling more serious look at Services.
“What does recovery mean to you? Where do you want to go?....If there is no clear, simple, specific answer readily at hand, then consider that just maybe you don’t know where you want to go in recovery. And if you don’t know, you won’t get there.”
Earnie Larsen